my body and it being percieved
I think the hardest part about living in a body is the fact that it is very difficult to learn to love it. For me at least. Over time I've gotten the hang of it, learning how to dress, take care of my skin, nails and hair. In a way it has helped me a ton, my self confidence is through the roof and especially as of late I've been told that I'm attractive! At the same time, it feels really hard to internalize that, especially never hearing it growing up. For the record, I'm roughly 183cm tall and lightskin. I was a skinny kid, but what used to be a thin frame has been filled up by a little bit of muscle. I'm still pretty skinny though. I don't have a defined chest, and my sternum is doing most of the heavy lifting when it comes to creating any sense of shape in my upper body.
Weirdly enough, despite all of this, I think I'm cute! There's something about the way that my body looks and feels that brings me joy. At my highest highs, I can run my hands along my skin, tracing all of the things I've been told stand out, the shape of my hips, the sides of my ribs, the flatness of my chest; all of it, and feel a sense of love. My body is fucking awesome sometimes. But at my lowest lows, I wish I could reach in and grab each side of my ribcage and tear it open, freeing the inside from this body I've been told so much about, passively and directly. Things have been made a LOT better as of recent at least! Where in childhood everyone had something to say about someone else's body, nowadays people tend to think twice. Unfortunately, not enough in some cases. Even friends slip up sometimes, commenting about my weight or build. Luckily these moments are rare, but still!
Even in positive media, it's really hard to find representation that makes me feel good. I'm really glad to have access to queer communities, and there are a lot of people that are like. close enough? BUT IM NOT WHITE HAHHAHA like I have rarely seen any trans folks that look like me. or even queer folks that look like me as a matter of fact. It's hard. I've tried drawing! That usually makes it worse I can't lie LMAO. I feel like a caricature artist making myself focus too hard on things that I really shouldn't care about.
People usually say nice things about my hair, face, smile, but rarely my body. I have an okay ass I guess, and again, I do have muscle, my legs are toned, and relative to the rest of my build I can appear to have nice legs too. But like. It's hard. I feel like maybe it's mental. Like I locked myself out of ever feeling like I could be satisfied with the body I've got by putting too much weight on the things that people say. It shouldn't matter what anyone thinks about my body, it's mine and shouldn't be something that I let anyone else dictate how I feel about it, but honestly I just feel disconnected from the perceptions. I see something attractive, but then I feel guilty for having these thoughts when I see the closest analogue I've ever seen in years receive comments about "being unhealthy" or just general racism/bigotry. Even in safe spaces, I feel so detached. I'm not like most people, which is fine? But also the people who I look like are underrepresented and niche. And I'd HATE to complain about that, but it still feels sort of othering when you're the only person supporting the people like you.
I guess I do well enough without these things though! Like I said, I do have days where I feel fucking amazing, and I have loved ones who are amazing and make me feel a LOT better about my appearance. But just as a whole, people get WAY too comfortable saying weird shit about other people. OR JUST GOING MASK OFF INSANEO MODE ABOUT BODY TYPES AND SHIT LIKE ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ attack the person not the people man.
Me falling victim to fighting a strawman aside, I think it's pretty easy to get lost in a sea of internet comments, representation in media and the outrage that follows. ESPECIALLY for people of color. I feel like it's one of those cases where you gotta represent yourself before you see the representation you wanna see, so I hope to one day break through my issues and learn to do that for other people, y'know?
I don't have much else to say, but I just wanna let you know, I love everything about you, and I hope you do too! If you ever feel like you won't find what you're looking for, just know that it is out there, because just like me or you, there is someone who needs to know that you are living happily.